Headline superheroes

Believe it or not, we are all surrounded by powerful demigods with idiosyncratic superpowers. Terror man. Death girl. Crash boy. Test drive crash death man. Cash-in-buttocks man.

Take a tragedy, throw in a lack of name-recognition for average Joes (ironically excluding Jo), a pinch from a radioactive spider and you have…The Headline Superheroes!

In editorial meetings, subs are being snubbed in favour of hackneyed hacks who apparently think nouns are adjectives…but imagine how a grieving person must feel when they see their loved one splashed all over the day’s news, renamed as a superhero in the service of truncative expediency.

Certainly, increasing newsprint prices and decreasing sales volumes are forcing editors to covet every physical column inch, while online news perusers have attention spans so moronically short that they lose track of the plot whilst reading LOLcats or that squirrel… there, outside the window. Quick, video it on your phone and upload it to the YouTube!

Join us in our quest to honour the accidental, undeserving, offensive, and outright insane superheroes and supervillains of the modern age. Submit them to us here at Headline Superheroes, or tweet them @headheroes, or with the hashtag #headlinesuperhero. You can also stick them on our Facebook wall.

Elephant attack man played dead

Stolen away from his parent’s missionary outpost in darkest India, young Jerry Walker soon learned amazing powers from the jungle animals—including the ability to summon a herd of Attack Elephants!

Wisbech mattress death woman ‘may have been stamped on’

‘Sleep tight’, quipped Wisbech Mattress Death Woman, as she emerged victorious from yet another pillow fight.

‘I’m only playing dead!’ retorted Elephant Attack Man.

‘Digger death driver was not qualified’

‘This digger death driving test is harder than it looks,’ sobbed an aspiring superhero.

Sex attack deportation man jailed

‘For outsourcing our sex attacks overseas, I sentence you to 16 years in jail,’ said sex attack deportation man trial judge.

Malaysia hunts for sex claim man

‘Ha ha, Sex Claim Man, we have you cornered now!’ said Malaysia.

‘Look, over there,’ exclaimed Sex Claim Man, ‘They’re shagging!’

‘Wh…where? Who? I can’t see…hey, where’s Sex Claim Man gone? Blast.’

Sex attack on lorry death girl ruled out

‘Should we have a sex attack on Lorry Death Girl?’ mused Sex Attack Deportation Man, ‘No, probably not.’

Mountain peak fall man ‘to keep climbing’

‘I’m sick of being the fall guy,’ explained Ben Nevis, despite being in peak condition.

Fire death jockey named by family

And despite this, he’s still referred to as Fire Death Jockey.

Wheelie bin man crushed to death

His powers weren’t enough to save him this time.

Stab man ‘sorry’ his cousin dead

Pidgin English man regret his headline no make sense.

Stab man showed girlfriend wounds

Is Girlfriend Wounds the deadly sidekick of Stab Man? What did he show her?

Stab man guilty of manslaughter

If only there were some kind of word for a ‘stab man’. Still, better than ‘Manslaughter man guilty of stab’.

Buttocks stab man hurt outside bar in Cowley

Presumably they were trying to get the cash out.

Pregnancy teen rape man jailed

What’s his superpower? [OK, I think we’ve crossed the line now. –ed]

Written by Tom and Statto

January 31, 2011 at 09:00

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