Archive for October 2013

Headline Superheroes III: The Daft Knights

Presented for your delectation: a fresh set of stupidly shortened headlines that result in often offensive demi-deification of victims, criminals and assorted nautical ne’er-do-wells.

Do let us know if you find any of your own: tweet @headheroes, hashtag ’em #headlinesuperhero, Facebook ’em, or leave a comment below!

Shed death mother meets minister

‘Thank you, Shed Death Mother,’ said the minister, ‘Without your sterling work and great sacrifice, the garden centre’s forces may have overrun the city.’

Jay Whiston murder: leaflet appeal for stab death weapon

‘This boy was stabbed,’ said the police officer, visibly shaken, ‘but I’m afraid this is no normal stabbing. This boy was stabbed to death with a stab death weapon.’

Forth dinghy capsize death man named as John Dinning

No, BBC: John Dinning named ‘Forth dinghy capsize death man’.

Death dinghy’s standards failure

‘You haven’t killed enough people this month,’ scolded Death Yacht. ‘Shut your face,’ retorted Death Dinghy. ‘You’re high.’

Death yacht ‘had £20m of cocaine’

Yup. Even a 36-foot boat is going to die after that much coke.

Death boat loaded with ‘dirty’ cash

It was the harrowing experience of transporting money extracted from Cash-in-buttocks Man that caused Death Yacht to turn to drugs in the first place.

Cancer boy Neon Roberts’ mum blocks surgery

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s an intracranial neoplasm! But wait! Cancer boy’s mum just deployed her jurisprudential shield. Who will survive?! Cancer boy’s mum, for sure.

Tiger death girl’s family slam boss

‘It’s not easy being in charge of a family slam, especially when the daughter is a superhero capable of dishing out tiger death,’ explained Tiger Death Girl’s Family Slam Boss.

OAPs’ ordeal at hands of wild-eyed machete man

Edward Scissorhand’s less-friendly cousin had trouble with his contact lenses.

TV death baby Kian McMillan’s father admits neglect

When TV Death Baby grows up, The Ring will become a reality show.

China baby rescued from sewage pipe out of hospital

They’re lucky that the china baby didn’t shatter when he landed. Also, it was well worth spending words clarifying that the sewage pipe was coming out of the hospital.

He was my world, says dad of stab-death man Jake Harris

Welcome to Stab-Death World, boys and girls!

Fernhill Heath mystery crash man identified

Incidentally, ‘Mystery Crash’ was Microsoft’s internal codename for Windows Vista.

‘Nothing there’ for pool death girl

A fine candidate for the Least Informative Headline of 2013 award.

Racy online novel teacher ‘surprised’ at losing job

‘I thought my position as Sexy Dean at St Bacchus School of Naughty Literature was assured,’ she moaned… as she shuddered, feeling his powerful [that’s enough -Ed]

Written by Statto and Tom

October 26, 2013 at 22:53