Archive for September 2012

Headline Superheroes Assemble: Round 2

Column inches and pixel-millimetres-squared are precious, so truncation is natural in headlines…but, just sometimes, sense and sensitivity should come first. Welcome the latest batch of headline superheroes!

Do let us know if you find any of your own: tweet @headheroes, hashtag ’em #headlinesuperhero, Facebook ’em, or leave a comment below!

Aphrodisiac attack wife convicted

Her husband shakingly testified that she had smashed through the window, unleashing a volley of oysters, dark chocolate and tiger penis.

Fire extinguisher student is paying too high a price for his idiocy

His professor failed him for the whole year on account of one terrible extended essay on the differences between long-cone and star-burst hose dispersal systems on foam-based fire-fighting tools.

Gunshot man’s ‘execution’ death

For when ‘Man shot’ just doesn’t cut the mustard. Also a plot synopsis for the new Judge Dredd movie.

‘Rest break’ death ambulance technician keeps job

‘Hey, Rest Break!’ called Aphrodisiac Attack Wife from the back of the ambulance.

‘Look, I’ve told you. Call me Death Ambulance Technician—I don’t feel like we’re on nickname terms yet,’ responded ‘Rest Break’ Death Ambulance Technician, grouchily.

‘I can sort that out!’ she replied, unleashing a volley of oysters, dark chocolate and tiger penis.

Outcry over disowned US rape girl

As if it weren’t bad enough that she’s been disowned, Rape Girl has to live with her new title, which defines her by an event that not only brought her great physical and emotional pain, but also led to her estrangement. Woo!

Hartlepool stab death man was ‘self defence’

Hartlepool stab death man story editor was ‘poor standard of English’.

Baby wipe horror man admonished

‘You won’t dare admonish me when I’m a fully-grown Wipe Horror Man!’ riposted the baby Wipe Horror Man gravely, as shocked onlookers tried to grapple with the severity of the circumstances surrounding a dirty bum.

Bikini girl: Pervert yeti stalked me

Bikini Girl was forced to call upon the declarative powers of Pervert Yeti’s arch-nemesis, Sex Claim Man (remember him?).

Noisy sex woman admits ASBO breach

‘Yes! Oh, yes! Yes!’ Noisy Sex Woman told the court on being asked if she’d breached her ASBO.

Slough sausage choke baby death woman jailed

Baby Death Woman wowed a capacity crowd with her signature move, the Slough Sausage Choke.

Death explosion man ‘devastated’

Explosions do tend to be quite devastating. Whatever the case, keep your distance, or this guy might death explode.

US Skype death soldier Bruce Kevin Clark ‘not shot’

Skype Death Soldier’s powers include killing the conversation and causing fatal exceptions in VoIP software.

Prison for anti-freeze drink man

This jailbird tear-jerker will melt your heart: he was raised to be an ice-cold killer, but all that ethylene glycol put paid to that.

Murder girl parents’ India trip

I bet Murder Girl Parents were proud to have their holiday summed up succinctly with just five nouns and one possessive apostrophe.

Electrocution death firm cleared

…of electrocution death bodies.

Still no clue over bath death man

…headline choice.

‘UDA were behind boy bat attack’

Meet Boy Bat: a very rich young bat who paid for a special boy suit to be made so he could rid his cave of evil. And guano.

Banknote fetish man gets jail sentence cut on appeal

If there’s one thing we’ve learnt from the headline superheroes, it’s that we’d appeal against the cutting of sentences.

Written by Tom and Statto

September 18, 2012 at 17:40

Sun bathes in self-righteousness over royal tits up

Every link on this page is NSFW because it’s a link to The Sun (and who wants their colleagues to think they read that?), but some also contain pictures of ladies with no top on. Check the hover text!

Yesterday, The Sun led with the ‘furore’ around the topless Kate Middleton photos published in French magazine Closer. The grumpy paper, usually no stranger to famous people’s boobs, speaks out to support pressing charges against the photographer who snapped her sunbathing topless on a balcony.

Thankfully, Sun editors are smart enough to realise that at least one of their readers might recall August 24th, when they published nudey pics of Prince Harry ‘in the public interest’ (a day after publishing naked pictures of a Sun intern and their picture editor reenacting the scene, also in the public interest). Hypocrisy? Don’t worry, the red-top defends its no-top double standards in a blistering editorial:

Harry had no realistic expectation of privacy. He invited large numbers of strangers to his hotel suite for alcohol-fuelled high jinks involving stripping naked without any checks on who was present. No attempt was made to remove mobile camera phones.

Another semi-clad celebrity who could also presumably have had no reasonable expectation of privacy from the Sun was Kate Moss, photographed shortly before the Harry furore, topless on a yacht in St Tropez. In this case, there seems to have been no missed opportunity to frisk everyone in a several-mile radius for image-recording apparatus, and thus it appears that The Sun is trying to both have its Kate, and eat it.

One area where The Sun’s standards are at least universal is between the living and the deceased. In this best of beach babes’ boobs digest, most recently updated on July 25th this year, two of the included breasts belong to troubled, and now dead, pop star Amy Winehouse. There’s even a Kate-controversy connection, with Ms Winehouse having got naked on a balcony whilst on holiday. (Let’s just check whether that was included in the Sun’s glowing photobituary ‘life in pictures’… Oh, no. Fancy that.)

But, remember, kids…back to The Sun’s defensive editorial:

The final irony is that it is France—smug, privacy-obsessed France—that published grossly intrusive pictures no decent British paper would touch with a bargepole.

If The Sun’s staff took some time out from peddling selected smut, they could buy a dictionary—or hire a pap to snap a celeb reading a dictionary with her boobs out, like a decent paper would—and learn what ‘irony’ means. (We think there’s a picture of Britain’s breast newspaper making a big deal about not revelling in outdoor boobies.) Oh, and check out ‘smug’ while you’re at it: I haven’t heard France making self-satisfied, sweeping statements about heterogeneous groups lately. Which makes the accusation, in itself, ironic. Oh, stop it with the long words and turn to Page 3 for the things that really interest the public’s bargepole.

Written by Tom and Statto

September 17, 2012 at 09:42

Posted in boobs, The Sun