’Tis the season to deconstruct jollity and so, filled with Christmas spirits, may we present our selection of post-modern cracker jokes. Merry Winterlight from Headline Superheroes!
What did the cold penguin say to the other cold penguin?
What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A dead duck and no presents.
Why isn’t this joke funny?
Because this is the punchline.
What is longer than a snake and shorter than a mouse?
Fatal error, invalid integer operation.
Why is Santa good at chess?
Because pawn king rook knight. Bishop.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
What’s black and white and red all over?
What did Mr and Mrs Christmas call their first child?
What did the Daily Mail reader give her family for Christmas?
What did Kim Jong-il give Colonel Gaddafi for Christmas?
Nothing. He was a Communist.
What did the man find in his Christmas cracker?
What do you get if you eat all the Christmas decorations?
How do they celebrate the birth of Christ at Hogwart’s?
They don’t. He’s fictional.
Buoyed by the success of the ‘Professor Brian Cox talking on a mountain’, ‘Professor Brian Cox talking in a desert’ and ‘Professor Brian Cox talking on a mountain whilst being filmed from a helicopter’ formats, the BBC decided to try out ‘Professor Brian Cox talking in a lecture theatre’ on Sunday night. Thus was created lamentable celebrity science circle-jerk A Night With The Stars, in which Cox talked to a room full of self-consciously air-headed celebrities about quantum mechanics, which is hard.
Anyone watching the show may well have been disappointed and shocked first and foremost by the dodgy extrapolation of Pauli’s exclusion principle. But also worrying was Cox’s mad closing line. Referring to the magnificent, mysterious majesty of quantum mechanics, he said:
There is no woo-woo. It is just beautiful physics. Thank you.
Do you think he knows that ‘woo-woo’ means vagina?
Do you think the script editors or production team, or even the person who types the autocue, know that ‘woo-woo’ means vagina? Or is he just, slightly crassly perhaps, highlighting the current gender gap in physics?
Every electron in the Universe is simultaneously wincing.
The Beeb have produced a delightful graphic showing the peaks and troughs in website visits, a proxy for newsiness, over the last twelve months:
The photos ruin an otherwise highly scientific analysis. Why does Bin Laden’s picture appear a month after he died? Why is the UK budget being delivered by a Japanese dude in a respirator? Why does Amy Winehouse get half of June for pre-mourning even though she didn’t die until 23rd July? Does the large number of visitors to the BBC News site on the day of the riots itself constitute a riot?
While cleaning out the attic at Headline Superheroes HQ, we came across a relic from better times, when the air was fresher, the sunlight brighter, and rare earths slightly less rare in the earth.
If you’re irked by novelty souvenir stationery, papal snowglobes, and looming towers of unpurchasable made-in-China Hallowe’en rubbish on Sainsbury’s shelves that are more scary for having been conceived than for the monsters depicted, this item will make you squirm.
And with the Olympics approaching at a speed measured with needless and public precision by a shard-like timepiece in Trafalgar Square, we thought it might now be apposite to pre-emptively draw attention to the excesses of sports-related tat.
Corporate marketing teams and aspiring electronic engineers, behold ‘World Cup sandwich’: a cautionary tale.