Take a tragedy, throw in a lack of name-recognition for average Joes (ironically excluding Jo), a pinch from a radioactive spider and you have…The Headline Superheroes!
In editorial meetings, subs are being snubbed in favour of hackneyed hacks who apparently think nouns are adjectives…but imagine how a grieving person must feel when they see their loved one splashed all over the day’s news, renamed as a superhero in the service of truncative expediency.
Certainly, increasing newsprint prices and decreasing sales volumes are forcing editors to covet every physical column inch, while online news perusers have attention spans so moronically short that they lose track of the plot whilst reading LOLcats or that squirrel… there, outside the window. Quick, video it on your phone and upload it to the YouTube!
Join us in our quest to honour the accidental, undeserving, offensive, and outright insane superheroes and supervillains of the modern age. Submit them to us here at Headline Superheroes, or tweet them @headheroes, or with the hashtag #headlinesuperhero. You can also stick them on our Facebook wall.
Stolen away from his parent’s missionary outpost in darkest India, young Jerry Walker soon learned amazing powers from the jungle animals—including the ability to summon a herd of Attack Elephants!
‘Sleep tight’, quipped Wisbech Mattress Death Woman, as she emerged victorious from yet another pillow fight.
‘I’m only playing dead!’ retorted Elephant Attack Man.
‘This digger death driving test is harder than it looks,’ sobbed an aspiring superhero.
‘For outsourcing our sex attacks overseas, I sentence you to 16 years in jail,’ said sex attack deportation man trial judge.
‘Ha ha, Sex Claim Man, we have you cornered now!’ said Malaysia.
‘Look, over there,’ exclaimed Sex Claim Man, ‘They’re shagging!’
‘Wh…where? Who? I can’t see…hey, where’s Sex Claim Man gone? Blast.’
‘Should we have a sex attack on Lorry Death Girl?’ mused Sex Attack Deportation Man, ‘No, probably not.’
‘I’m sick of being the fall guy,’ explained Ben Nevis, despite being in peak condition.
And despite this, he’s still referred to as Fire Death Jockey.
His powers weren’t enough to save him this time.
Pidgin English man regret his headline no make sense.
Is Girlfriend Wounds the deadly sidekick of Stab Man? What did he show her?
If only there were some kind of word for a ‘stab man’. Still, better than ‘Manslaughter man guilty of stab’.
Presumably they were trying to get the cash out.
What’s his superpower? [OK, I think we’ve crossed the line now. –ed]